cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
