If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
