proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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