Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
