Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
