so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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