your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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