I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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