You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
