Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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