you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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