you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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