at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
