He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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