Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
