The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
