I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
