I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize