Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
