these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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