I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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