the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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