How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
