I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
