If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
