my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
