so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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