I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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