No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
