You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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