He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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