States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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