i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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