why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
