Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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