god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
