I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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