i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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