I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
