Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
