so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
