i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
is wine microwaveable?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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