just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
