I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
