Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
