I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
