glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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