don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
