I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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