Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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