he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
