wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
