Your mouth is God's brothel.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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