Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
