I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
