half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
